


Can I be close to you? [Chapter 13.5]

by wibbelkind



Series: A Critical Queer Society AU [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hangover, Late Night Conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 11:03:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17160836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wibbelkind/pseuds/wibbelkind
Summary: Jester wasn’t really Jester without dick jokes. Sometimes her timing was just… a little too inappropriate for Fjord’s liking.And then he’d snapped.Jester and Fjord have a talk in the middle of the night, trying to figure out their differences and where to go from here.





	Can I be close to you? [Chapter 13.5]

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise! Merry Christmas! This is a extra little ficlet that I've been writing because I wanted to elaborate on this relationship a bit more and the main fic's POV style won't give me that opportunity. So I am branching out just a bit this once. ;)

Fjord is absolutely exhausted, yet as soon as his head hits the bed, he’s wide awake and just a little bit nauseous. And not from the alcohol- he’s been keeping that in check all night because someone’s gotta be the responsible one in this flat. There’s just too much going on in his brain, trying to process what has happened today has him wide awake again. He sits back up to lean against he headboard of his not-quite double bed.

When they’d divvied up the rooms of the apartment, he’d volunteered for the smallest one, having not much in his possession to fill it and not minding the narrow space. His bed fills the length at the end of the room under the window, the windowsill serving as a bedside-table of sorts. The curtains don’t block out the moonlight entirely, letting a bit of light into the otherwise fairly barren room.

 

He picks up his phone from where it’s charging to check the time. 4:37 AM is never a good time to be up and thinking but he can’t really help it. Attending the pride parade was an entirely new experience for him. He’s never been entirely out or visible before and even today wasn’t so much about representing his own sexuality as it was about being with his friends at an awesome event. An awesome, loud, crowded event with an equally loud and crowded after-party in their kitchen and living room.

Being out has never mattered much to Fjord. Most people don’t really know about asexuality, so every coming-out is always followed by a brief five-minute introduction into asexuality and trying to convince people that yes, it is a real thing, and no, he’s not “waiting for the right girl”. Which is insulting on so many levels- just because Fjord has never been in love with a male or genderqueer identifying person doesn’t mean he might not be biromantic. Or panromantic. He’s keeping his options open about that one.

The point is that Fjord has given up on trying to come out to people and instead become comfortable in his place as a hetero-passing male. He can tolerate the sex-focused views of society most of the time and laugh along to jokes he doesn’t really get, but whenever attention shifts to him he gets nervous, like he’s lying and people can tell.

It took him a while to open up about his sexuality to Jester and Beau, mostly due to the fact that after leaving the room during one of the girls’ infamous sex-talks, Beau had confronted him about it. Initially thinking him a prude, he’d been quick to correct their perception of him and had come out to the girls as asexual, albeit with a slightly shorter questioning session than usually necessary. Having other LGBTQ+ friends has its perks after all.

They had both dialled back on the sex jokes and suggestive talk after that, although Jester was harder to restrain than Beau. And in all honestly, Jester wasn’t really Jester without dick jokes. Sometimes her timing was just… a little too inappropriate for Fjord’s liking.

And then he’d snapped.

 

Fjord puts his head in his hands, rubbing his tired eyes. The scene just keeps replaying in front of his inner eye and he’s trying to find another way out. Maybe he should’ve just kept quiet. Say it in a nicer way. Not snap at Jester.

But he’s also hurt, in a way, like she broke his trust. Of course he doesn’t expect Jester to stop having sexual thoughts just because she’s dating him, an asexual person. He knows they’re there, no sense in hiding it. He just gets the feeling sometimes that Jester doesn’t really think much of it, that he’s asexual, like it’s a non-issue, when to Fjord, it is one.

Since that day when they had a chat about their mutual feelings of (romantic) attraction, they have had exactly one conversation about sexual topics. It mostly involved Fjord putting up some boundaries and limits to what he would and wouldn’t do and Jester cheerily accepting it, happy to just hold his hand and cuddle. It shouldn’t have stopped at that, but it did. No sense in trying to fix something that’s not broken right?

Right?

 

He groans, reaching for the water bottle on the window sill. Maybe he should just take some sleeping pills. Drink some tea, that’s what Caduceus would probably recommend. Apparently orgasms are supposed to help you relax and fall asleep, but Fjord is really not in the mood and he hates the messiness of masturbating in bed.

It’s not that he doesn’t do it.

Sometimes his body reacts to stimuli and even if he ignores it most of the time, on occasion it is kind of nice. Watching porn doesn’t really do it for him and his fantasies never involve real people- definitely not himself. So he mostly just jerks off half-heartedly in the shower when the need arises and doesn’t think much of it. It’s really less about pleasure and more about taking care of his body. As much as he hates the expression, “cleaning the pipes” fits his situation pretty accurately.

It’s definitely not an option right now and he puts the water bottle back after taking a few gulps. Might as well make a trip to the toilet while he’s at it.

 

Their apartment isn’t big but at least it has two bathrooms. One bigger with a bathtub and shower, one with just a toilet right next to the entry and across the hall from Fjord’s room. They’ve dubbed it “the guest bathroom” but Fjord uses it most of the time just because it’s closer to his room than the other one.

He takes care of his business, washing his hands and splashing water into his face, as if that would help him make his brain stop rattling. Half in thought about how to deal with his sleeping problem, he doesn’t notice that there’s a person outside in the small hallway between Fjord’s room, the front door, the bathroom and the living room. A person that squeaks when he stumbles into them and catches himself on one of the door frames. A person that smells very familiar like cinnamon and something fruity.

“Jester?”

“I’m sorry!”

There’s barely any light in here, only some coming in from the living room and Fjord’s bedroom, both of which are facing the courtyard. He can tell Jester’s wearing her typical nightshirt and her fluffy pink slippers. What he can’t tell is why she’s here.

“The other bathroom’s taken?”

“No, I...” Her voice gets very quiet and mumbling. “I wanted to see you.”

“Oh.”

“Can we talk?”

“Yeah, sure.” He gestures at his room, unsure what else to do. He didn’t exactly expect Jester to show up in the middle of the night.

She carefully steps into his room as if she’s worried of stepping into a trap of some kind, but of course nothing happens. Fjord follows and, as a courtesy to everyone else sleeping in the apartment, closes the door. If this evolves into an argument, he’d rather not have everyone listen in.

 

Jester’s pacing in the middle of the room instead of sitting down like she usually would. She’s nervous, an unusual state for him to see her in.

Carefully he slips past her and takes a seat on the bed, turning on the lamp on the wall above the headboard and then turning to look up at her expectantly.

“I’m sorry”, she says again. “For what I said. About the sex thing.”

“Okay”, Fjord replies, quietly. “I’m sorry for snapping at you.”

He can see the shimmer of tears in Jester’s eyes but he also feels like this is not the right moment to forgive and forget.

“I just feel like sometimes you forget that I’m- you know. Ace”, he continues. “And I might not be as comfortable about things as you are.”

Jester gives a pitiful sniff but nods. He takes it as a sign to continue.

“It’s kind of annoyin’ to live in a world that, in a way, is constantly tellin’ you there’s somethin’ wrong with you...”

“But there’s nothing wrong with you!”

It’s probably not loud enough to really leave the room but Jester claps her hands over her mouth as soon as the words are out, her eyes wide in shock as if she didn’t expect herself to be so shrill.

“There isn’t”, she repeats, more quietly, speaking through her fingers.

Fjord pulls a face at her insistence. “Isn’t there?” He sighs. “I just feel like… You- please don’t take this the wrong way- you don’t care that I am asexual. But I am. And that’s not going away, Jes.”

“I know, I know-” She takes a step towards him but he interrupts her.

“Will you let me finish?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t need you to understand my sexuality, Jes”, he continues. “I just need you to respect it- and support it on occasion. I need you to listen.”

He falls silent and looks up at Jester, still standing in front of him, hands clutching at her nightshirt, a tear running down her face. Reaching up, he wipes it away and she immediately leans into it. There’s a pang in his heart but before he can do anything about it, Jester has already pulled away.

“Okay”, she says, pulling up her nose, and he immediately reaches around to grab a pack of tissues from the windowsill, handing it to her. “Thanks.”

She blows her nose and Fjord wonders how it’s possible that even when she’s doing that, she still looks cute. Fuck- maybe he’s just a bit head over heels for this girl. He doesn’t care if it’s too early or it’s all just in his head- he knows that somewhere between moving to Zadash and spending too much of his spare time with Jester, he must’ve fallen in love with her.

So maybe that’s why he needs to do this now. Get it right. Sort things out. He likes her too much to just let it go.

“You know, when I’m sayin’ I don’t want everythin’ to be about sex all the time, I don’t just mean when it’s about me”, he continues, trying to get his point across. “I don’t want you to censor yourself for me. That’s not what this is about. I just want you to think about what you’re going to say and how it might affect other people in the room.”

Jester nods, balling up the used tissue and throwing it into the bin under his desk.

“And I- I want to figure out how this works.” He gestures between Jester and him. “This- relationship. I’ve not been in a relationship since I realised I was ace so… this is kinda new to me too.”

If he could categorise the look she’s giving him, it would be a mixture between surprised and curious. He’s not quite sure whether that’s a good thing but then she steps forward, reaching for him, and he responds in kind, taking her hands in his.

“Are we good?”, he asks. His anger and frustration has long passed and he’s feeling a lot calmer.

“I don’t know”, she responds and it’s so easy to imagine her teasing lilt to the sentence but instead she just sounds unsure. “Are we? What if I mess up again?”

“Then I’ll tell you and we’ll figure it out.”

“Okay.” Jester lets out a sigh, as if she’s been holding it in for a while. “What do we do now?”

“Well, I don’t know ‘bout you but I’m pretty tired.”

“Oh… okay.”

She moves to pull away but he keeps a hold on her.

“Stay. Bed’s big enough for both of us.”

 

There’s a moment of hesitancy but then Jester smiles, reaching out to brush her fingers over the side of his face. He pulls her closer, wraps his arms around her waist, buries his face against her soft, pudgy belly. She lets out a happy hum that he can sense rumbling through her chest, and then her fingers start combing through his hair, scratching the back of his head. Her belly rises and falls with each breath, slow and calming.

“Okay”, she says eventually. “Okay okay okay.”

Fjord chuckles and pulls back to look at her.

“That didn’t take a lot of convincing, did it?”, he asks.

She smiles, shaking her head. “No.”

He watches as she removes herself from his grasp and crawls onto the bed next to him and then slips under the duvet, holding it up for him to follow. They haven’t done this too often yet and he still has to get used to the feeling of another person in bed with him, but he’s willing to endure the learning curve if it means sleepy cuddles from Jester in the morning.

The duvet is big enough to fit both of them comfortably and Fjord lies next to Jester, his head pillowed on his crossed arms and turned sideways, just looking at her in the soft light of the bedside lamp that’s still on, not quite touching her.

“Hey”, she says, rolling onto her side, one of the smaller pillows propped under her head. “Thank you for telling me that. Sometimes I need you… to tell me these things.”

“No problem.”

Jester props herself up to turn off the light and then lies back down, one of her hands resting on his elbow, a minimal connection.

“Sometimes people are so complicated”, she says. “Like they expect me to read their minds or something- I’m not a mind reader. I don’t pick up on the- on the little things. I swear I don’t mean it-”

“I know you don’t.”

She squeezes his elbow quickly before continuing.

“I don’t mean it but my brain just doesn’t- It doesn’t work like that.” Her voice sounds a bit wobbly and he realises with a start that she’s close to crying again.

He shuffles around, wrapping one arm around her to pull her closer to his chest, and she immediately clings to him like a lifeline. Her face pressed to his sternum, shaking but not quite sobbing.

“It’s okay, Jes”, he mutters into her hair. “It’s alright.”

He almost expects her to just break and cry, he wouldn’t put it past her and this day- this night too- has been stressful and exhausting and just a little bit too much. But her breathing eventually slows, the shaking stops and he’s almost sure she’s fallen asleep when her grasp on him slackens. Then she rolls around, her back towards him and he’s unsure of what to do, one hand brushing against her spine. Luckily, she takes that decision from him, maybe half awake, reaching around for his hand and pulling it over herself to rest on her stomach, fingers entwined with his. He shifts closer carefully, fitting himself around her back, tucking her head under his chin so her curly hair isn’t directly in his face.

“Good night”, he mutters, brushing a thumb over the back of her hand where they’re connected.

“Night”, she sighs back.

 

\- ♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ -

 

He wakes up back on his stomach, a bit disoriented at first but quickly realising that his arm is still thrown across a softly snoring Jester, also lying on her stomach next to him. There’s no pounding headache, but there’s a bad taste in his mouth that he really just wants to get rid of and his bladder needs to be emptied soon.

Trying to get out of bed unnoticed proves to be rather difficult, resulting in a whine from Jester that might suggest that she’s not quite as deeply asleep as suspected. He pulls the duvet back over her and gives her head a small pat.

“Just lemme use the bathroom real quick, Jes”, he mutters.

“Everything hurts”, she mumbles half into her pillow.

“I’ll be right back.”

He slips out of his room and into the small bathroom across the hall. After using the toilet he rinses his mouth with water, scrubbing his teeth with his fingers best as he can, and then gets a package of painkillers from the small medicine cabinet behind the mirror.

 

Upon his return he finds Jester in the middle of his bed, on her stomach and head buried into a pillow, groaning.

“C’mon Jes, I got you painkillers.” He picks up his half-empty water bottle from the window sill and hands it to her after she rolls around and drags herself up into a sitting position, looking absolutely miserable.

He hands her one pill and then puts down the rest of the package on his windowsill.

“You feel sick?”, he asks her as she takes the pill, swallowing it down with the rest of the water in his bottle. Part of him feels bad for her, but in a way he also hopes that she’ll learn from this, both from their fight and from the excessive use of alcohol.

Jester shakes her head in response. “I never throw up.”

“Convenient”, he mutters and she hands the bottle back to him before letting herself drop back onto the bed.

“I wanna die”, she whines in her typical dramatic Jester way.

“Hold that thought.”

 

He takes his bottle and makes another trip to the kitchen, apparently the only person awake in this flat at this hour. Filling up the water bottle and grabbing a pack of crackers that went unnoticed in the cabinet the night before, he returns to his room.

Jester is back on her stomach in starfish position and he puts down the crackers and water onto the windowsill before getting into bed next to her, as best as the space allows. He manages to pull the duvet back over the both of them and Jester accommodates him by tugging her legs and arms closer together.

“You’ll feel better soon”, he says, lying on his side next to her and carefully petting her hair.

Jester mumbles something that he doesn’t catch but when he pulls his hand away she turns her face towards him. “Keep doing that. Please.”

“What? The head scratches?”

“Yeah. Feels nice.”

“Okay.”

He buries his fingers once again in Jester’s hair, massaging her scalp as best as he can from lying next to her, but her pleased hum tells him he’s doing things right. It’s nice, a bit intimate even, and Jester slowly goes lax under his ministrations, her eyes fluttering shut.

“Feelin’ better?”, he whispers.

Jester hums, which is as close to a yes as he’ll get right about now.

“Wanna try and sleep some more?”

Another hum.

Fjord continues with the massage until his own eyes fall shut and his fingers stop, tangled in Jester’s hair as if that’s where they belong. He doesn’t even try and stop to keep himself awake at this hour, slowly drifting off alongside Jester. The last thought that crosses his mind is how nice it is to lie in bed next to the person you like, not tangled up in each other, just touching, casually. He might not have this asexual relationship figured out, but this right here- he wouldn’t mind having this every day.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of feelings about the sex-focus of the society we live in. Yes, I am the person who makes dirty jokes ever so often. I am also the person who makes gagging noises and rolls her eyes at ridiculous sex-plotlines on TV. I leave conversations that make me uncomfortable because I don't understand why some people think about sex all the time and I sit at home in my room and read explicit fanfiction. Being asexual is seemingly full of contradictions for a lot of people, but I hope at least a few people reading this can relate, and a few will learn something new.


End file.
